Mánudagshúmor

Games to play when we're older

Games to play when we're older:

1. Sag, you're it.
2. Hide and go pee.
3. 20 questions shouted into your good ear.
4. Kick the bucket.
5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over.
6. Musical recliners.
7. Simon says something incoherent.
8. Pin the Toupee on the Bald Guy.

SIGNS OF MENOPAUSE:
1. You sell your home heating system at a yard sale.
2. You have to write post-it notes with your kids' names on them.
3. You change your underwear after a sneeze.

OLD IS WHEN:
1. Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
2. You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.
3. Getting a little action means you don't need fiber today.
4. Getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot.
5. An all-nighter means not getting up to pee!

Thoughts for the weekend
Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctr Alt Delete' and start all over?
Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.
If raising! children was going to be easy, it never would have started with something called labor!
Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.
But Most Of All, Remember:
A Good Friend Is Like A Good Bra: Hard to Find, Supportive, Comfortable, And Always Close To Your Heart.

Göngugarpur

Gott mál að ekki fór ver.

Ég á eina sem er að verða 6 ára, sem gæti alveg tekið upp á því að labba heim til sín án þess að láta kóng eða prest vita

Litla stúlkan fundin

Fréttir

Það er frétt á visi.is um að SÁÁ vanti 80 millur upp á að geta haldið úti göngudeildum sínum.

Afhverju er ekki minnst á það hérna megin netsins.

Er þetta eitthvað feimnis mál hjá moggamönnum? eða eru þetta ekki "fréttir"?

Ók ölvaður á ofsahraða

Munurinn á 1957 og 2007 (bandarískt sumt gæti kannski átt við hér:))

Scenario: Johnny and Mark get into a fistfight after school.
1957 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up buddies.
2007 - Police called, SWAT team arrives, arrests Johnny and Mark. Charge> them with assault, both expelled even though Johnny started it.

Scenario: Jeffrey won't be still in class, disrupts other students.
1957 - Jeffrey sent to office and given a good paddling by the Principal.
Returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again.
2007 - Jeffrey given huge doses of Ritalin. Becomes a zombie. Tested for ADD. School gets extra money from state because Jeffrey has a disability.

Scenario: Billy breaks a window in his neighbor's car and his Dad gives him a whipping with his belt.
1957 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college, and becomes a successful businessman.
2007 - Billy's dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy removed to foster care and joins a gang. State psychologist tells Billy's sister that she remembers being abused herself and their dad goes to prison. Billy's Mom has affair with psychologist.

Scenario: Mark gets a headache and takes some aspirin to school.
1957 - Mark shares aspirin with Principal out on the smoking dock.
2007 - Police called, Mark expelled from school for drug violations. Car searched for drugs and weapons.

Scenario: Pedro fails high school English.
1957 - Pedro goes to summer school, passes English, goes to college.
2007 - Pedro's cause is taken up by state. Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that teaching English as a requirement for graduation is racist. ACLU files class action lawsuit against state school system and Pedro's English teacher. English banned from core curriculum. Pedro given diploma anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he cannot speak English.

Scenario: Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers from 4th of July, puts them in a model airplane paint bottle, blows up a red ant bed.
1957 - Ants die.
2007 - BATF, Homeland Security, FBI called. Johnny charged with domestic terrorism, FBI investigates parents, siblings removed from home, computers confiscated, Johnny's Dad goes on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.

Scenario: Johnny falls while running during recess and scrapes his knee. He is found crying by his teacher, Mary. Mary hugs him to comfort him.
1957 - In a short time, Johnny feels better and goes on playing.
2007 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces 3 years in State Prison. Johnny undergoes 5 years of therapy.

Föstudagsgrín

The testicles of a Texas midget

The testicles of a Texas midget hurt and ached almost all the time. The midget went to the doctor and told him about his problem.
The doctor told him to drop his pants and he would have a look. The midget dropped his pants. The doctor stood him up onto the examining table, and started to examine him. The doctor put one finger under his left testicle and told the midget to turn his head and cough, the usual method to check for a hernia
'Aha!' mumbled the doctor, and as he put his finger under the right testicle, he asked the midget to cough again. 'Aha!' said the doctor once more, and reached for his surgical scissors. Snip-snip-snip-snip on the right side... then snip-snip-snip-snip on the left side.
The midget was so scared he was afraid to look, but noted with amazement that the snipping did not hurt. The doctor then told the midget to walk around the examining room to see if his testicles still hurt. The midget was absolutely delighted as he walked around and discovered his boys were no longer aching.
The doctor said, 'How does that feel now?'
The midget replied, 'Perfect Doc, and I didn't even feel it. What did you do?'
The doctor replied 'I cut two inches off the top of your cowboy boots.'

Rafbyssur

Hafið þið gagnrýnendur skoðað málið frá öllu hliðum.

 

Mér finnst virðingarleysið fyrir lögum og reglum vera orðið þvílíkt að það stefnir í óefni.

Það má viðukenna að kannski ber lögregla einhverja ábyrgð í því viðhorfi, en við skulum athuga eitt.

Það ber öllum skylda til að aðstoða lögreglu, samkvæmt lögum.

Og það er sjálfsagt besta leiðin þegar að lögreglan er að sinna skyldustörfum, þó manni finnist hún fara offari þá þekkir maður ekki alla söguna. Þegar lögreglan kemur að einhverju atviki þá verður hún starfsöryggisins vegna að nálgast þá frá þeirri hlið að allt geti farið á versta veg.

Lögregln sinnir ótal málum á hverjum degi mjög farsællega, við heyrum bara af örfáum þeirra og yfirleitt eru það málin sem fara illa.

Mér sýnist að það sé stutt í að lögreglan þurfi að fara vígbúast, með skelfilegri afleiðingum fyrir alla.

Ég held að Taser væðing lögreglunnar sé ekki af hinu slæma.

Það þyrfti mikið eftirlit með þeirri notkun, misnotkun á þeim ætti að vera brottrekstrarsök.

En númer eitt tvö og þrjú ef að fólk væri duglegra að aðstoða lögregluna þegar hún er við skyldustörf, frekar en að vera með uppistand og gera ráð fyrir því að lögreglan sé í órétti. Oft gerir það málið fkóknara, dregur það á langinn og eykur hættuna á stærra máli.

Frekar að gera allt til að ástandið gangi fljótt yfir, og ef eitthvað er að framgöngu lögreglu í þessu máli, þá er um að gera að leggja fram skýrslu/kæru þess efnis.

Þetta er ekki skrifað til varnar klúðrinu sem varð af mótmæla veseninu í síðustu viku.

Allir lögreglumenn fái rafstuðbyssu

Hvað sem þið gerið ekki klikka á linkinn

http://hundowntown.myminicity.com/ind

 

Heyr Heyr

Heyr heyr

Lýsa furðu á vanþekkingu yfirmanna á LSH

smá pæling

Fann þetta á netinu í morgun, og frekar en að setja póstþjóna landsins á hausinn við að áfram senda svona eins og fólki hættir til, þá er hægt að lesa þetta hér ef fólk hefur áhuga á.

Woman and a Fork

Woman and a Fork

There was a young woman who had been diagnosed with a terminal illness and had been given three months to live. So as she was getting her things 'in order,' she contacted her Pastor to discuss certain aspects of her final wishes.

She told him which songs she wanted sung at the service, what scriptures she would like read, and what outfit she wanted to be buried in.

Everything was in order and the Pastor was preparing to leave when the young woman suddenly remembered something very important to her.

'There's one more thing,' she said excitedly.

'What's that?' came the Pastor's reply.

'I want to be buried with a fork in my right hand.'

The Pastor stood looking at the young woman, not knowing
quite what to say.

That surprises you, doesn't it?' the young woman asked.

I'm puzzled by the request,' said the Pastor.

The young woman explained. 'My grandmother once told me this story, and from that time on I have always tried to pass along its message to those I love and those who are in need of encouragement. In all my years of attending socials and dinners, I always remember that when the dishes of the main course were being cleared, someone would inevitably lean over and say, 'Keep your fork.' It was my favorite part because I knew that something better was coming...like velvety chocol ate cake or deep-dish apple pie. Something wonderful, and with substance!'

So, I just want people to see me there in that casket with a fork in my hand and I want them to wonder 'What's with the fork?' Then I want you to tell them: 'Keep your fork the best is yet to come.'

The Pastor's eyes welled up with tears
of joy as he hugged the young woman good-bye. He knew this would be one of the last times he would see her before her death. But he also knew that the young woman had a better grasp of heaven than he did. She had a better grasp of what heaven would be like than many people twice her age, with twice as much experience and knowledge. She KNEW that something better was coming.

At the funeral people were walking by the young woman's casket andsaw the fork in her right hand. Over and over, the Pastor heard the question, 'What's with the fork?' And over and over he smiled.

During his message, the Pastor told the people of
the conversation he had with the young woman shortly before she died. He also told them about the fork and about what it symbolized to her. He told the people how he could not stop thinking about the fork and told them that they probably would not be able to stop thinking about it either.

He was right. So the next time you reach down for your fork let it remind you, ever so gently, that the best is yet to come. Friends are a very rare jewel , indeed. They make you smile and encourage you to succeed Cherish the time you have, and the memories you share ...being friends with someone is not an opportunity but a sweet responsibility

Of lítið kynlíf??

Gonzalo Navarrete segir að með þessu sé hægt að auka lífsgæði bæjarbúa, en karlmennirnir geta nú fengið lyfið að því undangengnu að hafa gengist undir læknisskoðun. Navarrete segist hafa fengið hugmyndina eftir að fjöldi eldri manna kvartaði yfir of litlu kynlífi. 

Nú á Viagra að breyta of litlu kynlífi hjá þeim, það er ekki nóg að djúsa þá upp... þeir verða að hafa tækifærin líka til að stunda láréttan mambó!

Skilst á greininni að þeir séu að kvarta yfir magninu, en ekki gæðunum á kynlífinu. Sem sagt þeir hafa ekki nóg tækifæri til að nota viagrað!!

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